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I love yoga, crossfit, and cats. My favorite authors growing up were Roald Dahl, Christopher Pike, Francine Pascal, and one of VC Andrews books. Poetry is cool too. I like Billy Collins, Mary Oliver, and Bukowski. I also own poetry by Elizabeth Bishop and anthologies by Garrison Keillor. I mainly read junk now. Thanks $0.99 Kindle deals.

SPOILER ALERT!

Book Review - Bram Stoker's Dracula

Dracula - Bram Stoker

CAST

LUCY: tons of suitors, she's not "loose" or anything but seems very involved in getting married and flighty things
MINA: Lucy's BFF. She can type and write shorthand. Seems to be the smarter one of the two.
JONATHAN HARKER: Mina's fiancée/husband. Meeting up with Ct Dracula to help him sort out some housing.
DR VAN HELSING: Older guy who does science-y stuff but is also not afraid of using garlic and superstitions to get shi* done.
MORRIS: An American guy who tried to marry Lucy but wasn't The Chosen One. He carries a gun and Bram Stoker seems to be caricaturing Americans as hillbillies from Texas with this Morris character.
DR SEWARD: I think he works at a Mental Institution and he's watching this erratic patient named Renfield who likes to eat mice and flies. He seems to be a Van Helsing in training but takes a minute to believe in the superstitions.
Dr Godelming and the other guy: I don't know, one of them marries Lucy and the other is another one of her suitors? They are part of the "group" that chases after Dracula.

This book is entirely composed of letters and memorandums and diary entries from the characters. I read that this creates suspense in the reader. So when you watch Blair Witch or REC and you feel tense because you only know what the characters know ... well, Bram Stoker did it too.

PLOT (SPOILERS): Harker goes to Dracula's castle to sort out Dracula's housing affairs. Harker starts to get creeped out because Dracula is weird. He finally starts poking around the castle and sees three creepy vampire women. They try to get him but Dracula comes in and is like "not now, bitches". Harker is locked in the castle and pretty much sees Dracula crawling down the side of the castle. He writes all this down because he likes to document. Harker finally escapes.

Meanwhile Lucy is starting to sleepwalk while Mina is like "Where the freak is my fiancée?" And then Mina and Lucy are hanging out and Lucy starts to sleepwalk. Lucy coincidentally starts to get weaker and weaker. They finally call for Dr. Seward. He doesn't know wtf is going on. So he sends for Van Helsing. They do blood transfusions (like 4 freaking times, omg it drags). And then there's a lot of "Lucy is wonderful, poor Lucy!" etc etc. Anyways, Van Helsing starts to use superstitious stuff to "cure" Lucy and it works! But then Lucy's crazy mom gets rid of the garlic while the guys are away (at the asylum? checking on Renfeld) and Lucy regresses again. Finally Lucy just dies, along with her mom.

Van Helsing seems to know what is really going on and is like, "Trust me guys. You're going to wanna come to Lucy's tomb and check this out." And so the guys do and they see a creepy woman (Lucy) walking around in the cemetery. I think they also find a swaddling baby that we presume the creepy woman (Lucy) was going to eat. Van Helsing convinces them to open up Lucy's tomb, and they do, and there's no Lucy. The guys aren't convinced of what Van Helsing is suggesting ... saying that there's body snatching or graverobbers. So later, they open her tomb again and Lucy IS there and she basically looks pretty hot. So they end up killing Lucy.

And later on, some of the guys walk in on Mina feeding off Dracula. It's a pretty wtf moment. They somehow get rid of Dracula. Van Helsing is finally like, "Guys, we gotta kill Dracula." They agree and start to track down Dracula's boxes of earth (his caskets?). They track down all of them (there's like 50 or something) except ONE. Van Helsing renders these 49 caskets useless by sticking a communion wafer in them. But they're still missing that one casket. They're like "Fu*k, we're so close."

Van Helsing starts to hypnotizes Mina and they figure out Dracula's on a boat because she is like "I can hear lapping water". Mina uses some Sherlock Holmes reasoning to figure out what river Dracula is probably on. So the group splits up in 3 teams and chase Dracula (Mina and Helsing go by horse, 2 of them go by boat, and I think the other two go by horse/train? IDK).

At the end, Van Helsing is with Mina and keeps her contained in a circle with communion wafers (bc she's turning into a vampire or to protect her from Dracula if he comes by? Both? IDK). Van Helsing and Mina are close to Dracula's castle. Van Helsing sees some caskets and, why not, opens them up. The vampire women come out and tempt him (and freak out the horses). But Helsing finds his courage to kill them (I guess this is the whole god/temptation battle). And then Mina and Helsing see Harker and the other 3 guys chasing after gypsies who have Dracula's last casket ("box of earth"). Mina gives us a great play by play. The sun is about to set but the brave dudes knock over the casket and open it up. They see Dracula and behead/stab him. Mina sees a look of momentary peace come over Dracula's face. Morris ends up dying. Mina's vampire-ism goes away. Everyone lives happily ever after. Oh, except Renfield. He died earlier on at the asylum.

 

The first and last part of the book are pretty good. It's just the middle drags on and on and on (egs. I feel like Bram Stoker copied and pasted Lucy's transfusions. I was like, seriously, another one? Just die already.). Also, this book is pretty dated so there's a lot of "women shouldn't be doing that" and "we should let Mina rest because her poor womanly frame cant handle all of this excitement", etc.

I listened to this on audiobook. $0.99, Im not complaining.